Don't really have the content... It feels like I have so many things to say, but I can't really point it out and say what it is about. Yknw, that feeling? And even I somewhat know what I wanna say, I don't know how to put it into words and really like say.

Haiz. Feels like I'm floating to nowhere... And don't really know how I'm feeling. It's just so complicated. Ever since I came to VIP, like meeting more people and stuff. I just got so much of different thoughts, crazy, stupid, funny, ridiculous. And sometimes, I hope it will come true. But it's so abstract and intangible. It seems so far, like I can't really imagine that it will happen. It's so weird. But yet every night, I just hope something like that will happen. ://

Yes, stupid right? I know. I know. I know.

Anyway, just yesterday, I revived my blog, giving it a new background and new cbox(not like anyone, besides spammer will tag). And I read thru some of the posts that I posted 1-2 years back. Seriously, I feel like killing myself. I was laughing at how stupid I were. Like really stupid way of saying things, and not knowing that all those shit will actually offend people. Yeah, I guess I'm just gonna keep those posts to constantly remind myself not do err again, not to make the same mistakes ever again.

Yes, I definitely changed a lot in the past two years, grown so much. Loved, hated, grew up. So much. Seems too much for a 14 years old. Or maybe I was just... immature, and I've not seen the world enough. Prolly thought that I been through alot, but maybe not, compared to the others. Well, I guess, I might not have been thru near death experience, like terrible car accidents, or family drama, but maybe in my life, this two years was pretty much of a drama, that I really went through it myself, with probably... what we call friends?

Okay back to those funny thoughts that I have. Yeaps. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm just thinking too much into it. But finger crossed, I hope it will really happen. But I know, never gonna be possible. Oh well, I should jolly well concentrate on my studies now, like really. S

Study study study study. I guess this is my role, for now.

But can somebody just help me help me solve this mystery? Like how do I actually feel. I don't even know it myself. Mixed feelings? Not exactly. Sad? Why, nothing to be really sad about. Happy? Probably not. Angry? Maybe angry at myself. But once again, idk what's there to be angry about myself. Really, I think I've been doing a great job until now.

Besides using----

WEIRD

to describe it, I don't know how else can I convey how I feel.

And next, after 6 months in VIP... Do I regret it?

This is the question I often ask myself, and the others in the VIP.

You might have expected this answer -- I don't know.

Like I guess, I really don't know. Sometimes, I'm so happy about things going on VIP, but sometimes I just hate it. I really hate it. I hate how people study here, hate how competitive people are, and how some people can just say they are not studying when they are studying, like every single moment. Also, like how people forsake their social lives for RESULTS. Like hey, I'm not say everyone is, but the majority. I'm like forced into their shit, and have to mug like them. I don't mind, but I guess I just don't like the feeling of oppression?

Well, though it kinda suck, but yet there are times that I really enjoyed. Really. Really I do. But sometimes I wonder whether all this "fun" are really worth it? Or maybe I could have achieved more if I stayed in CCHMS?

No matter how much I say now, how much I grumble, how much I complain, I'm in. Tied down for the next four years.

I just hope that I will get used to this.... Studious culture of IP, where everyone is an elite among the elites.

A right decision? Remains as a mystery.